


Wake to Find Myself in Flames

by witchy_alien



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Kozume Kenma, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21567652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchy_alien/pseuds/witchy_alien
Summary: Kenma squeezed his eyes shut. He focused all his energy into forming the right words, “I made a mistake.”
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 160





	Wake to Find Myself in Flames

**Author's Note:**

> [Thank You Mario But Our Princess Is In Another Castle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZtDaba0Xm0)

The sunlight filtered through the curtains. A glimmer caught Kenma’s eye as he rolled over in bed. He watched the blue skies through the small opening in the curtains. He could see birds flying overhead. They were flying so freely in the sky. Kenma could never be that free. 

Instead, Kenma was weighed down. His body felt like lead and he was unable to get up from bed for more than a few minutes. His entire soul felt like it was drowning, suffocating him. His arms felt too heavy to check his phone. Kenma could hear it chime every now and then. Signaling another message from a team member or friend. 

Logically speaking, Kenma knew he had to get up for school. But he just couldn’t manage to work up the energy to leave his room. His mother had left early in the morning and Tetsurou had tried calling. Kenma thought about answering the phone to let him know he was having a bad day. But the words refused to form and his tongue felt thicker than molasses. 

A part of Kenma thought to send a text to his mom. Ask her to come home early and take him to the doctor. But he didn’t want to burden her. 

Kenma got out of bed to go to the bathroom. The room felt wider than usual. Everything around him was overwhelming. He tried to ground himself. He tried deep breathing and reminding himself that he was safe and real and present. His breathing became hyperventilating. Kenma sat down on the bathroom floor and waited for the panic in his chest to settle. Laying down on the cold floor, Kenma felt nausea build up. He crawled over to the toilet and threw up. Kenma laid back on the floor and closed his eyes. 

He woke up disoriented. Kenma washed his face and went back to his room. He checked his phone and saw messages from his teammates about missing morning practice. Most were asking if he was feeling okay. Kenma found Tetsurou’s messages through the ones from his other teammates and Shouyou’s texts. He texted back ‘Sick.’ 

Tetsurou instantly responded. ‘Sick sick? Or “sick?”’ 

Kenma thought about being honest. He had a plan set up for days like this. Tetsurou knew to contact his mom if he needed to. But Kenma didn’t want that. He wanted to be left alone without the fuss. 

‘Threw up earlier.’

‘Need me to visit after school?’ 

‘No. Gonna sleep.’ 

Kenma put his phone on silent after that. He laid down in bed and closed his eyes. He couldn’t get back to sleep. The sun was shining too bright and lit up most of his room. His chest still felt like it was squeezing the air out of him. And everything was just too loud. 

This feeling wasn’t new to Kenma. But everything still felt like too much. Existing was too much of a hassle. He stayed in bed with his eyes shut wishing for it all to end. Wishing for the sunlight to go away. Wishing for the birds to stop taunting him in the sky. Wishing for his stomach to stop turning, his head to stop hurting, and wishing his thoughts away. 

He felt stupid, feeling this way. He felt shame for needing to have a plan set up for this. He felt useless. 

After an hour of fighting away the feelings he got out of bed. Kenma made his way back to the bathroom. He opened up his medicine cabinet staring at the variety of meds. Most were over the counter. He pulled them out and then looked for his prescribed medications. He found a few of his mom’s old meds. He stared at the counter of pills. At his little collection. 

He just wanted everything to be silent. He wanted his body to stop hurting. He wanted everything to stop. 

The pill bottles looked like sweet relief. They looked like the answers to all of his problems. He only had one chance to do this right. He opened the first bottle and poured the pills into his hand. He took a deep breath in and out. 

Kenma put them into his mouth and washed them down with tap water. He repeated the action with another bottle. And then followed with a third bottle. He choked a little on the pills as they went down his throat. They didn’t all want to go down. He opened a fourth bottle and tried swallowing as many as he could manage. 

Kenma drank more water, his throat felt tight. He put up the rest of the bottles, cleaning up after himself. And went back to his room. 

Kenma locked his bedroom door and sat on his bed. He looked at his alarm clock. The bright green 14:23 blinking at him. He laid down feeling the soft pillow against his head. His comforter felt plush against his skin. 

Everything would be quiet soon. 

He thought about Tetsurou and his mom. He thought about his teammates and his friends. He thought about Shouyou. Kenma checked his phone and saw a few ‘get well’ messages. He felt his chest tighten back up reading Tetsurou’s message. 

‘Do I need to call your mom?’ 

Even Tetsurou didn’t believe him. His best friend didn’t think he was okay. Kenma felt okay for the first time in a couple of days. He felt okay knowing that time was passing and the pills would hopefully work. 

His phone vibrated in his hand. A message from Shouyou lit up on his screen. 

‘Kuroo said you’re sick! Get well soon. Let me know if you need anything!!!’ The first message said. It was sent at noon. 

Kenma felt a wave of guilt hit him. 

Kenma scrolled down to the new message from Shouyou. 

‘Kuroo hasn’t gotten a response from you in awhile. Are you okay?’ 

Kenma felt tears prick the corner of his eyes. What was he doing? What had he done? He knew he couldn’t go through with it. Regret filled up his entire being. He knew he had to admit defeat. He had to tell. 

Kenma tried calling Shouyou but after a couple of rings it went to voicemail. Kenma frowned at his phone. 

Maybe he was doing the right thing. 

His phone lit up with Shouyou calling him back. His voice was hushed, “Sorry I had to go to the bathroom to call. You okay?” 

Kenma’s tongue felt heavy in his mouth. Words were hard to form. Kenma looked at his clock 14:36 blinked at him. 

“Kenma,” Shouyou’s voice was strained. 

“Shou-” Kenma squeezed his eyes shut. He focused all his energy into forming the right words, “I made a mistake.” 

‘Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.’

“Mistake? Kenma, what’s wrong?” Shouyou started to sound frantic. 

Kenma felt tears rolling down his cheek. He tried to speak but ended up hiccuping. 

“What happened, Kenma.” 

“Pills,” He choked out, “I took a lot of pills.” 

Shouyou was quiet for a moment. “Okay. What do we do? You need an ambulance. I’m going to call Kuroo and he will get them to you.” Kenma couldn’t keep up with most of what Shouyou was saying after that. Something about staying awake and asking how long ago he took the pills. 

“I’m sorry,” Kenma finally breathed out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“I’m going to get you help.” Shouyou hung up. 

Kenma let the tears roll freely down his face. He sat up and began coughing. He was hyperventilating again. Panic rising into his lungs. He got up and struggled to unlock his door. Kenma managed to make it to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees and threw up. At some point he began pushing his fingers down his throat, forcing himself to vomit up the pills. His vision became blurry. Kenma fought off the urge to pass out, but his body felt weak. 

His mind felt weaker. He closed his eyes. The taste of bile sat on his tongue. And the last thing he remembered was his head hitting the side of the bathtub. 

Sunlight was shining brightly against Kenma’s face. The warmth of it hit him before his eyes opened. Kenma began to cough, his throat was on fire and he couldn’t breathe. Kenma searched the room. All white. Everything was too white. 

He caught his mother’s eyes. She stood up and got a nurse. He felt his body stiffen at the contact of something cold running through his veins. Kenma closed his eyes. He woke up again, groggy. His head was pounding and there was an obnoxious beeping. 

Kenma realized that was the machine he was attached to. 

He felt a warm hand over his. Kenma opened his eyes to see his mother next to him. Her wide eyes greeted him with tears. Kenma reached out and touched her face. He blinked at her and watched tears roll in between his fingers and off of her cheeks. 

She pulled him into a tight hug, kissing the top of his head. Kenma felt numb to the sensation. She stood up and left the room. Kenma’s eyes followed her as she gently shut the door. 

Minutes passed and the door slid open again. It was a nurse asking him questions and checking him over. He knew what would happen next. He knew where he would go. 

The nurse left and he expected his mother to come back into the room. The door slid open again and Tetsurou and Shouyou entered. 

“Kenma!” Shouyou moved fast to his bedside. His face was red and his eyes were puffy. 

Tetsurou didn’t look much better. He ruffled Kenma’s hair, “Hey.” 

Kenma blinked at his friends. He looked down to his hands. Everything felt empty. Nothing felt real. He didn’t realize he was crying until he saw tears fall onto his hands. Kenma covered his face. 

“It’s okay,” Tetsurou’s hand rested on his shoulder. 

Kenma listened to Shouyou cry next to him, “Kenma, Kenma, Kenma.” 

“I’m sorry,” Kenma wiped his face. ‘Forgive me,’ He couldn’t say. 

Tetsurou wrapped his arm around Kenma’s shoulders, “You’re okay.” His voice trembled. 

Shouyou grabbed his hands. His grip tightened around Kenma’s fingers, “I’m so happy you’re alive, Kenma.” 

Kenma began to feel less numb under the touch. He stared at Shouyou through blurry eyes. 

“Yeah,” Kenma’s voice was raspy and cracked. His mind raced with things to say. With regret and shame. He was angry that his two friends knew what he had done. What he had tried to do. He was angry that his mother knew. He was mad that he had failed to follow through. 

He watched Shouyou cry in front of him. Tetsurou was quiet, his body shaking against Kenma with the tears he was holding back. 

Kenma blinked feeling more tears escape him, “Me too.” 

He lied.

**Author's Note:**

> me self project on a character? Ha! Never...


End file.
